Welcome to my website
Hello everyone. I'm Tony Jameson, a stand up comedian from the north-east, and this, right here, is my website. Welcome. Feel free to have a look around. No need to take your shoes off either, we're all friends.
So what can you expect to find round here?
Well, I've got a section where I've put all my gigs, should you wish to come and see a show.
I am currently performing or compering at the top weekend clubs, along with various other independent promoters, across the country.
These include The Stand, Off The Kerb, Glee, House of Fun, Last Laugh, Just The Tonic, Highlight, Hilarity Bites, Ten Feet Tall, Comedy Central.
I have been fortunate enough to have supported WWE Hall of Famer, Mick Foley as part of his UK tour. I even did a couple of pre-tour warm up shows for Kevin Bridges, Stewart Francis and Frankie Boyle at The Stand. I was also part of Dave's Comedy in the Dark tour in 2012, and performed at BBC Comedy Presents at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in 2013.
I have performed the following shows at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:
2014 Tony Jameson: The Rules of Engagement @ The Stand
2013 Tony Jameson: Football Manager Ruined My Life @ The Stand
2012 Tony Jameson & Katie Mulgrew: Tell Tales @ The Stand
If you click on the banner adverts at the top of this site (provided you haven't got some kind of ad blocking software running) you'll get more info on other shows I'm doing / working on.
We've made a section for a blog on this site. I've been told I'm supposed to write in it. Whether I find anything to write about may be a different story entirely, but its there, so pop the kettle on and have a read.
Finally, maybe you've got a Football Manager story you want to share. Maybe you've found a beer I might like (real ale please). You might just want to drop me an email to say hello. Or even better, offer me a gig (that would be nice). To do that, simply click the email button at the top.
Thanks for stopping by.
Le Tour de Yorkshire
Everyone got bike fever this weekend...
Nearly 2 million people were estimated to have lined the streets for the two stages of the Tour de France as it made its way through the cobbled streets of Yorkshire. 2 million people. Lining the streets. To watch about 30 seconds of some bikes. And then headed home.
What I found strange about this whole affair, is the fact that Yorkshire (particularly the more historical parts of Yorkshire, such as York) don't really have a road network that's suitable for cars, so how on earth did they think they could get a cycle race going on?
Some riders apparently complained that the crowds were almost spilling onto the roads, and therefore made the race a bit more dangerous for the riders. Obviously, you can read this in one of two ways. Well done Yorkshire for turning out and supporting a major sporting event. Or, come on Yorkshire, build some proper paths will you?
As I've resided down here for over 6 months, i must admit that having witnessed the excitement that the Tour de France has brought to the area has actually been quite good. In fact, the Tour even passed by the top of my road (I didn't go out and see it, I had to be in the car heading to Darlington to entertain kids with a comedy show). There's been street parties, bunting, everyone seems to have a bike. The whole place has seemingly been painted yellow. There's actually been quite a good vibe with this.
With the Tour passing by my house, and me having to head on up the road, I decided to watch the start on the TV. There I was, almost gripped with interest, then I realised it was on ITV. I've spent the last few weeks getting angry at ITVs coverage of the World Cup (is it just me or do they seem to have more games than BBC?) so imagine my disgust that ITV are now covering another sporting event. Oh well, maybe its just football they're rubbish at broadcasting... Nope. Cycling aswell.
The Tour started at the racecourse. Within 13 seconds of broadcasting, ITV had already lost the live feed and had to cut needlessly to an ariel shot of York Minster. Oh, hang on, we're back with the race. Actually, no we're not. Sorry, here's the Minster again. Riders. Minster. I think we've just about got some riders, no that's a shot of the motorcycles with the cameras we're using. Why is ITV so shit? Maybe that's a post for another day. The sun is shining, so it seems a shame to get wound up about ITV.
In summary, I think Yorkshire can be quite proud of itself for what it achieved this weekend. Well done you lot. I still seems a bit weird to think the Tour de France was in this country, but not as weird as seeing loads of people turn up with their bikes. Maybe that's the equivalent of going to a football match in a football shirt. I don't know.
The USA are out
And we're all pretty gutted, strangely...
There's been a long standing view of Americans and football. To them its soccer, and when they hosted the 1994 World Cup, something felt quite odd about it. Was it because they didn't even have a league? Or was it because Americans didn't 'get' football?
Well, fast forward 20 years, and the advances have been staggering. Gone are the days where football in the US is a sport only played by females. MLS is up and running, attracting big names (albiet in the twilight of their career looking for a final pay day). American players are plying their trade in Europe, and not just playing for mid range teams, they've been a success at top teams. The USA national team, once a figure of humour, are now a well oilled outfit (and have been for a number of years, it might be worth adding), and as a nation, we actually felt sympathy towards our neighbours across the pond when they exited the tournament last night.
For me, the feeling towards Americans and football came when we thought they'd try and tamper with the game. American sports fans like to see goals. Lots and lots of goals. They don't like 0-0 draws. In fact, they don't even like draws at all. They play over time in all other team sports so that someone can win. That, is the American Dream. We maybe felt that they'd want to change the format of two halves, into four quarters for more advertising opportunities. They'd want players wearing more pads for protection. Rush goalies for the last 15 minutes. Power plays. Two points for a goal scored outside the box. The list is endless, and also ridiculous. Why? Because slowly but surely, the Americans have fallen in love withthe game just in the same way we do.
MLS attendences are at an all time high. The league itself keeps on expanding. Orlando now have a team, parading Kaka as their latest (well, first) recruit. Man City have bought a franchise team. David Beckham has put his hands into his incredibly wealthy pockets and bought himself a franchise. MLS is big business. Its popularity is growing because the product is improving.
American players, as I said earlier, are finding their ways into top European sides, and playing well when they get here.
The sheer size of the USAs population gives them an incredible chance to grow the sport. To grow more footballers. To produce a world class player, or two. In fact, I'm gonna stick my neck out here, and say, within our life time, the USA will win the World Cup. Why? Because of the fact they've access to so many potential players, and because if the USA wants to be good at something, they're born with an inbuilt drive to be the best. None of us have ever met an American who is happy to be second best. They believe in their heart of hearts that America is the greatest country in the world, and what better way for them to prove it, than by winning the biggest sporting competition the whole world watches?
Closing down sale at Southampton
Last one out turn the lights off, yeah...
The ink has hardly dried on Adam Lallanas transfer from Southampton to Liverpool before its got me angry. Why has he moved?
For me, along with many other fans of the game, Southampton were a breath of fresh air last season, playing some wonderful football and displayed all the trappings of a team working for each other. Cut forward to the end of the season where Pochettino has gone to Spurs and miraculously learned English over night. Rickie Lambert has agreed to make his life long ambition of being a Liverpool substitute come true. Luke Shaw has become the most expensive teenager in the world following his move to Man Utd, and now Adam Lallana has joined Liverpool aswell.
Thats not all. Dejan Lovren will probably move on, being touted with a move to Arsenal or Barcelona. Morgan Schniederlin is being coveted by Arsenal. Jay Rodriguez would probably have been mooted for a move away had he not got injured last year which ruled him out of a one week holiday in Brazil (sorry, England World Cup duty).
So whats actually going on at Southampton? How have the players suddenly decided that Ronald Koeman isn't the man to take the club forward? Yes he's now managed to amass more money in transfer funds than Dutch teams get in their own TV deals, but who is going to go to a sinking ship? Granted, sinking ship may be a little over the top, but without the core of their team, whats the incentive to join? There's nothing to build on. Koeman is essentially having to rebuild from scratch this summer, and with the World Cup going on, players don't move for cheap. They also don't move for cheap when selling clubs know you've just acquired nearly £80m in transfer fees.
I can't help but feel sorry for Southampton fans. They've been let down by their board ever since Nicola Cortese left. I understand that this is how football works, but one decent season in the Premier League doesn't mean that you should have to sell your entire team. I hope Koeman can get them playing a similar brand of football as to what Pochettino did last year, and hopefully he can replace the players who have left for substitute roles at their new clubs.
Maybe, just maybe, with Lallana, Lambert and Can already in the bag at Anfield (and rumours of more to follow), the press might actually realise that Liverpool don't make players, they buy them. And they buy them for BIG money.
How do you fix a problem like England?
And other home nations...
So England have been knocked out of the World Cup. They're back home. Feet up on the sofa in their multi million pound mansions. Some might even be speaking to their agents about negotiating another multi million pound transfer, or maybe just a cheeky new contract and wage increase cos they've not had one for a few months. Meanwhile, Jack Whilshire celebrates one match injury free.
All the while, the media speculate about why England did so badly in the World Cup? For me, the answer is simple. A lack of quality. Poor tactical awareness. Over reliance on 'superstar' players. And last, but by no means least, The Premier League.
Before I go any further, I should clarify that I don't particularly care for international football, but, if you were interested in how to make the national team better, then maybe these areas would be something that needs to be considered.
There's a distinct lack of quality in this country. That's not something that can be disputed. This is down to a couple of factors.
1) A lack of qualified coaches due to over priced coaching qualifications.
2) An over-reliance on the 'boot it as far as you can to the big lad up-front attitude' brought on by, get this, the parents! Yep, you're to blame aswell.
3) A lack of technique in the kids. They can't do the basics right as too much emphasis is put on winning matches, or strong tackles, or strong headers.
4) Poor facilities. The pitches at youth, Sunday level are abysmal. How can you learn to pass a football when the pitch has more divots and bunkers than an assault course. Investment is desperately needed in order for the grassroots to survive.
5) Grass roots football costs money to participate in, because of funding cuts. If the Premier League clubs gave even just a tiny fraction of their bumper TV deal (worth £70m each team this year), to support grass roots football in their area, then surely the infrastructure could be improved, which, guess what, might create some better players.
6) Too many imports in the youth squads of clubs. Back in the day, the youth teams used to be kids from that city or region. Nowadays, clubs hoover up the 'top youth prospects' from all over the world. Football is a selective business, and not everyone will make it. All the big clubs have done now is, limit the opportunities of a British kid and actually limited the chances of a foreign import who is then sold to either a lower league club or back to their home nation having received Premier League quality coaching.
7) The fans. The fans are also the problem. Take my generation, for example. We grew up probably watching Italia 90 as our first World Cup. They then saw the Graham Taylor 'Do I Not Like That' side that failed to qualify for USA 94. Then they say Euro 96 and became the sort of red top reading, In-ger-land In-ger-land chanting, face painting, 30 years of hurt brigade. They set themselves up for a fall. Newcastle fans are the same. Yes you won something once. But that's it. Once. Just cos you shout loud, doesn't mean you've got a divine right to win something. Take a leaf out Scotlands' book... 'We're shit and we know we are'.
8) The media. See the fans. Infact, you created the fans. You claim that you were 'lowering the England fans expectations this year'. Did you? How did you lower the expectation? Did it go from 'we're going to win the World Cup' to 'we might win the World Cup'? Obviously, as with all tournaments, England come home early, and you're straight on the front pages with stories like 'What happened to our sorry Lions?' Answer, they're not good enough. Take a leaf out Scotlands' book... 'We're shit and we know we are'.
9) The FA vs The Premier League. Yes, The Premier League is a great league. Why? Cos the best players come here. Who are the best players? Well, they're all foreign players. Why do they come here? Cos we pay the most. Oh, so does that mean the England team are going to be good? No, cos the amount of foreign players in the league means less opportunities for English players to play. Its not just the elite foreign players, but also the mediocre foreign imports that have been bought because English players are too expensive. For example, would you pay £20m for Stewart Downing, or would you pay a quarter of that on some unknown foreign winger who would probably be just as 'good'? The FA also need to realise that The Premier League rules the country, not The FA. The clubs don't care if the national teams to do well because if anything, that will stop them being able to afford British players. Its almost in the Premier Leagues best interests for the national team to fail.
10) Pick a model and follow it. Futsal schools cropped up in the late 90s. A few years ago, ticka-tacka was king. Then it was the German model. No-one seems to have mentioned the Italian model? The French model? The Dutch model? Success isn't instant. These nations have been playing this way for years. Decades. Its how they play the game. That's why their players are better. Aged 6-7 they're playing with smaller goals. Picking passes. Getting used to being on the ball. In order to adopt a new model, it has to be rolled out from the top to the bottom, and in order to do that, The FA and The Premier League need to fund the grassroots. Pay for new coaches. Pay for new pitches. Pay for new scouting systems. Ignore the calls for 'we need ex pros at the heads of our sport', no you don't. Footballers are thick. You need business people running football clubs. Sports scientists doing the coaching. Managers who have studied the game. Look at Wenger, Mourinho, Rodgers, none of these had a decent playing career, but they learnt the dynamics of the game.
Football in this country needs a complete overhaul if any of our nations are to be successful. Will they ever be success? No. Why not? Cos we're all too impatient that's why.
Chomping at the bit
And other puns about Luis Suarez and his love of biting...
So I feel that I should start by saying, I really should have been blogging during this World Cup, cos its been absolutely brilliant, hasn't it?
For a country that up until about 3 days before the World Cup kicked off was facing a multitude of crises. Were the stadia going to built on time? Would they then be granted safety certificates? Were the locals going to stage protests about the amount of money the Brazilian government has paid for the privilege of hosting the tournament? Were the threats of violence just media scare mongering? And would Englands 'lowered expectations' actually mean anything?
Thankfully, all of those questions don't appear to have affected the tournament. Then, just as the curtains closed on Englands' dismal appearance at the tournament, Luis Suarez hit the headlines again. Not for scoring two goals, like he did against England, but for his other favourite pass time... biting.
Now, before I start, yes everyone has had their say on this subject. Liverpool fans, somehow, still seem to think they can defend him as he 'was probably born in Toxteth, not like that dirty Manc Torres'. But think about it Liverpool fans, you've got a thug on your books.
This isn't the first time Suarez has bitten someone. It isn't even the second. Its the third! Three times. Three times he's bitten another footballer. When will he learn? Do you want the quick answer? He wont. Simple as that.
Yes, he clearly has some sort of mental imbalance that makes him react this way, and needs psychological help. But, as a football fan, he also needs booting out of the game. You can't bite someone. If you did that in a pub, you'd be in prison. I'm not suggesting he goes to prison, but, Duncan Ferguson once served three months in HMP for head butting a player when he played for Rangers. Eric Cantona almost ended up behind bars for his infamous Kung Fu kick on a Crystal Palace fan.
A fellow comic posted on his Facebook, 'Imagine if Cantona had kicked a fan for a third time, would you still defend him?' He's bang on the money.
FIFA needs to show its got some balls and really come down hard on him. If he gets anything less than a 2 year ban from international matches and a 1 year ban from all football, then FIFA (and UEFA) are just as much of a disgrace as Suarez is. Liverpool fans can try and defend him all they want, but if they do, they're saying its perfectly acceptable to behave like this on a football pitch. Face it though, if he played for Man Utd or Chelsea, you'd all be calling for him to be sent to prison or given a life ban.
The least he deserves is a 1 year ban. Liverpool fans, wave goodbye to being able to sell him this transfer window. Do you really think Barcelona or Real Madrid are going to want a player that is that much trouble? He makes Balottelli look like Michael Owen.
I don't care whether he's a good player or a terrible player in the lower leagues. You can't keep bitting on a football pitch and expect people to think its OK. People claim that if a dog bites a person, it gets destroyed. True. Would i shed a tear if he was put down? Nope, not in the slightest. It's a bit extreme, but FIFA and UEFA need to be strong on this one. Suarez deserves severely punishing, because when (not if) he does it again, he needs to be thrown out of the game for good.
So David Moyes has been sacked
Well, its hardly a surprise, is it?...
Tuesday morning saw the news that Manchester United had finally given up on the experiment that was David Moyes. With United mathematically unable to qualify for the Champions League, and after defeat to his former employers Everton at Goodison, the Glazer family decided that enough was enough and got rid of 'The Chosen One'.
But was Moyes really that bad?
Well, I suppose it depends on how you look at it. His dealings in the transfer market had positives and negatives. Mata seemed like a fantastic signing, but where would he fit in? Given that Rooney is better in the number 10 role (I lose track of the amount of times I'd said he's not a striker), that meant that Mata had to be put out wide. This is what happened at Chelsea, and he looked largely ineffective. So is that a good signing or a bad signing? Either way, its not as bad as spending £28m on Fellianni, who manages to look more out of his depth than David Moyes. I'm not entirely sure how he has managed to look so poor so quickly. Surely he's managed to achieve the 'Andy Carroll over priced flop of the year' award?
So his transfer dealings haven't been great, but what about his tactics? Again, its not looking good for Moyesy. Man Utd fans have become accustomed (over the past 20 years) of attacking football, something Moyes doesn't seem overly comfortable with. He was a counter attack manager at Everton, partly because of the players he had, and partly due to their 'underdog' tag. That just doesn't wash at Old Trafford. Add to that, the fact that his best performances all came away from home, then it seemed like it was never going to work.
Football is a money business (sorry, I meant results business) and Moyes' results haven't been good enough. Perhaps in the long term, it may have worked, but lets face it, missing out on the Champions League means missing out on money. The way he had the team playing, there was no clear indication that he could get them back in the Champions League next year, so the Glazers clearly thought that now was the time to get shot of him.
Who will they get to replace him? Van Gaal? Jose? Fergie again? Only time will tell. I do feel sorry for Moyes, cos he was given an impossible job. Fergie left him with an ageing squad. A defence who's contracts were all up this summer. Players who didn't want him. All this, and he had to follow a man who had brought unprecedented success to the football club. It would be like following me as Blyth Spartans manager on Football Manager. The fans have gotten used to success, and won't tolerate failure for long. I'm actually tempted to save my game, resign and see what happens if I did actually leave. I can't do that though, can I?
First The Streak, now The Ultimate Warrior dies
I guess my childhood is officially over...
Sunday night saw the spectacle that is Wrestlemania grace our screens (if you paid for it on PPV or found a cheeky streaming website) for the 30th year. That's right, for the past 30 years, men in spandex have been pretend beating each other up infront of viewers the world over.
Wrestlemania 30 was an event that will live long in the memory. Not because Hulk Hogan managed to announce the wrong venue (haway man Hogan, learn you lines). Not because he was joined in the ring by Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Rock (a sight viewers from WWE's Attitude Era have craved for so long). Not because Daniel Bryan finally won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a Triple Threat match, having already beaten HHH to open the show.
It won't be remembered for those events, but for the fact that The Undertakers undefeated streak at Wrestlemania finally came to an end.
For 21 years The Undertaker has 'fought', and won at Wrestlemania. 21-0 his record was. A record that was not matched by any other legend of the ring. As the years rolled by, 'Taker would dip out of weekly shows to repair his body for his once a year show stopper. But as he was now only wrestling once a year (and the fact he's 49) meant that each year he was that little bit closer to retiring.
Personally, I thought last year would've been a perfect moment for him to bow out. 21-0. The Undertaker laying down in the ring. Lights out. Lights up. 'Taker has left the building, never to be seen again. That would've offered him the chance to leave as one of the greatest of all time.
Cut to this year, where he was pitted against former UFC Champion, Brock Lesnar. Now, I find Brock Lesnar one of the most terrifying people on the planet. If I saw him in a dark alley, I know he'd probably kill me. I don't think he knows wrestling isn't real. He's a monster of an athlete. So the WWE decided to pit him against a 49 year for what is clearly his final match.
As a match, it was inevitably slow. Of course it would be. 'Taker can hardly move, and Lesnar could easily botch a move and kill The Dead Man by accident. Fear not, I thought, its 'Taker at Wrestlemania. We all know how this is going to end. 'Taker doesn't lose. And then, the count began. One. Two. Three. Lesnar had won! The Streak was broken. A silence fell throughout the 80,000 strong arena. What the fuck just happened? Did I see that properly? It must've been a botch, surely? Nope. Undertaker was beaten. I was furious! Furious that I was incorrect in believing 'Taker would obviously win, and then more angry at the fact that I was getting angry at scripted sport.
It genuinely took me a couple of days to get over the result. I still couldn't believe it, but then this morning, I heard the news which put it all into context. The passing of The Ultimate Warrior.
As a kid, I preferred Ultimate Warrior over Hulk Hogan. In the same way I prefer CM Punk to John Cena. Warrior was inducted into the Hall of Fame the night before Wrestlemania, and even appeared on Raw on Monday looking pretty good, I thought.
We know wrestlers die young, but this news came as a big shock to me. I couldn't help but feel I lost part of my childhood when I heard the news. I feel like I should now go out and buy some neon laces to wrap around my arms as a mark of respect.
RIP Ultimate Warrior. A true legend of the ring.
They say you should never meet your heroes
But what if your heroes aren't 'real'?...
There's a saying that you should never meet your heroes, as you'll always end up disappointed, but what if your heroes aren't 'real'?
I'm aware that is quite an odd statement to start a blog with, but stick with it.
Basically, the year is 2059. A year that marks my 50th anniversary at Blyth Spartans (yes, that's right, we're talking about a Football Manager world here). So yeah, I'm about to celebrate my Golden Jubilee, having dedicated my entire 'life' to Blyth Spartans. Naturally after 50 years at the club, I've managed a number of players who still hold a place in my heart. Some went on to become club legends. Some turned their backs on me when I needed them most. But each and every one of them played a part in my clubs in history.
But Tony, these guys aren't real! The players who brought you unprecedented success on this game were all regens. Maybe they were. Or maybe, just maybe, these players actually exist (or at the very least, they have namesakes who are alive and well and may fancy reminiscing about our 'achievements'?)
A quick glance of Facebook suggests that this may well be the case (some of them were even mutual friends of mine apparently). However, the notion of messaging some random person I've never met on Facebook and trying to explain this story seems a little weird. So I needed a new method. A safer method. Something that seems less creepy than playing potential weirdo roulette. And I think I've found it...
You get in touch with me!
Listed below are the names of some of my players who have shared in my games greatest moments.
|Ray de Boer||Callum Lomas||Anthony Vaughan||Chris Mortimer|
|Tommy Jolly||Steve Tomkins||Derek Reynolds||Ancil Thomas|
|Matt Baldwin||Dominic Quinn||Johnny Wilson||Dan Martin|
|Andrew Hendry||Ian Pender||Milos Djordjevic||Ian Eastall|
|Emile Rylander||Adrian Stepney||Darrly Kirby||John Douglas|
|Daniel Noone||Conor McDonagh||Hans-Jorg Brandl||Nicola Muratore|
I'm now setting myself a challenge to try and meet as many of these people as possible.
If your name appears on this list (or that of someone you know), please do get in touch via email firstname.lastname@example.org
It doesn't really matter where you are in the country (I'm aware some of these names aren't native to the UK, so maybe I'll need to do a bit of international traveling) I'll try and organise some time to come and meet you so we can have a cup of tea and chat about FM.
I'm aware that this may seem like a really weird post, (and to some this seems a little 'Dave Gorman'), but I believe that the end product justifies the madness. Perhaps it doesn't, but I guess there's no harm in trying eh?
Some people will undoubedtly think this is a ridiculous idea, but I've already been contacted by two people from this list, so maybe, just maybe, I can get this to work
Hope to speak to some of you soon.
The two sides of north east football
A cup runner up and a nutter...
Let me first start by saying, as a person from the north east, my football allegiance isn't red and white, or black and white, so I'm hoping this comes through as unbiased as I'm intending. I'm an Aston Villa fan (a team hated by both Sunderland and Newcastle fans), but as a lot of my friends and family are either Sunderland and Newcastle fans, this weekend saw my Facebook and Twitter feeds were flooded with some statements that I found quite bizarre.
Firstly, I felt that Sunderland played really well in the Capital One Cup Final on Sunday, and if Fletcher had actually attempted to kick the ball when it dropped over his shoulder in the final few mins, the game may have gone to extra time, and then who knows what may have happened. Obviously he may have missed spectacularly, but by at least connecting with the ball on his weaker right foot, he may have drawn a save and possible corner. Alternatively, he could've just booted the ball back sideways and hope for a deflection amongst the melee of players in the 6 yard box. Such small margins are what football matches are won and lost on. Suffice to say, City went down the other end and wrapped the game up 3-1.
Cue the Newcastle fans overjoyed at the fact their local rivals lost against one of the best teams in the land in a cup final, oblivious to the fact that en-route to Wembley the Mackems beat Man Utd, Chelsea and Southampton, whilst Newcastle got eliminated by the eventual winners.
Of course I understand the hatred between these two sets of supporters, and the joy taken in seeing your fierce rivals lose on such a big stage, but for me, the actions of Newcastle manager Alan Pardew 24 hours previously should really have been used as a moment for the Toon Army to keep their heads down (ironically, something Pardew should've done).
Yes, your rival lost a cup final, but YOUR manager head butted a player! Let us not forget, this isn't the first time Pardew has lost the plot. He's pushed a linesman, squared up to Wenger, called Pellegrini a cunt. This is a man who clearly has some underlining anger management issues. It should also be worth mentioning that one of Newcastles reserve team managers recently got sacked for punching one of his own players.
I got a tweet from a Newcastle fan saying that Pardews actions showed a lack of class, and something you would never have seen from the likes of Sir Bobby Robson. I completely agree. How can a manager head butt a player and still command respect from his own team, and the wider football community? Mike Ashley stupidly gave Pardew an 8 year contract, and if he was ever considering making a change, now would seem to be the time to do it. Sacking Pardew based on his results wouldn't make sense, plus it would cost him a fortune in compensation. However, head butting a player must surely be seen as gross misconduct, and as such, could save Ashley a fortune in compensation payments by firing him now.
The irony of the whole Pardew incident, is that his stupidity made a lot of people forget that Newcastle actually won the match 4-1.
So, whilst I do believe that fans should celebrate their own success, and the failings of their rivals, I just feel that maybe the moral high ground should still be reserved for those with morals, and as Pardews Zidane impression has left the football world reeling, perhaps some fans should remember the age old adage of 'those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (or head butt them)'.
Here's one for ya
My run ins with two racists this week...
Everyone knows about the premise of a comedian saying to someone, "I'm a comedian", only to have whoever they spoke to either reply with, "OK, tell us a joke then", or even worse, "here's one for ya". Well this week, I had the unfortunate incident of both of these things happen to me, and I wasn't particularly enamored with what I heard.
I've recently moved from the north east to York, which on the face of it, sounds like a lovely move. However, as I've moved into a new place, there needs to be the odd bit of work done in order to bring it up to scratch. I needed some painting done, and a couple of new sofas delivered.
I chatted with the painter, and the bloke who delivered the sofas, (on two separate occasions) and during each conversation the fact I'm a comedian crept up. They were shocked to hear that I write all my own stuff, rather than 'just knicking it off of the internet'. Once they understood that my 'style' of comedy is anecdotal, they then both asked the question, "do you do any stuff about immigrants?" NO! Of course I don't. What on earth made you think I did? Oh, the fact that you're wearing an England top covered in paint.
This alarmed me to be honest. Not only do we have to contend with UKIP placing second in the Manchester bi-election, a political party who think gays cause floods, but seemingly, there's still people in the world who would love to hear a few racist gags that they can text to their friends the next day.
I know this next sentence will make me sound like my Dad... I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm still quite disappointed that these sort of people still exist. Its 2014 you knackers. Look at the fact that multiculturalism has helped shape the country you live in. I know as a comedian that you can't please all the people all the time, but if I manage to forge a career without having to write racist jokes, and these people never come to see me, then I guess that would make me quite happy.
A trip to the hospital
But not as serious as it sounds...
Today I had to take a trip to the hospital. For the past week I've been suffering with something that has reminded me that I'm not as young as I used to be.
For a man in his mid 30s, the potential realisation that I may have developed a hernia was not something that fills your days with joy.
After a brief chat with my mum (who is a nurse) she claimed it 'may be a hernia, but it may be a grumbling appendix'. Now, as you're all aware, the only way to test your appendix is by, how do I put this delicately, by getting finger bummed by a medical professional.
With that in mind, I prepared myself for a trip to the hospital. Nice shirt, best pants (if I'm getting explored, I at least want to make sure I look my best).
I finally arrive at the walk in centre, or as they refer to it, minor injuries clinic at York Hospital. Now I know I'm not the only person who glances around the waiting room trying to decide whats wrong with everyone else and whether they are a more urgent case than myself. Obviosuly if they're bleeding you presume you're gonna be after them.
I get comfortabe, pick up a magazine. York is quite posh, so my choices were a copy of Now, a copy of Caravan Club from November 2012, or Practical Pilot. I'm not reading those. I'll grab a coffee. I say coffee. A cup of brown wet. This is what cuts to the NHS have done, people.
Long story short. I get seen. I don't get finger bummed. I don't even get diagnosed. They refer me back to the GP. An hour and a half in a hospital to be told they don't know whats wrong with me. I should feel anger. I should feel pain. I should demand to be probed cos I've 'got myself in the zone'. I don't. I react in a typically British way by doing exactly what I'm told and make my way to the GPs surgery.
Naturally I'm not gonna get seen there and then. I've got to wait til Friday (unless it gets worse, apparently) cos I hadn't even registered with that particular surgery. So I started to fill in their registration form, before almost falling foul of the 'acohol intake' survey. No-one tells the truth on that, do they? Surely not. However, I think I've now worked out the exact mathematical equation for how many units of alcohol everyone has on a weekly basis.
Think of a big number. Multiply it by 7. Take a sharp intake of breath. Then just put 6 units a week.
Kids Comedy Club @ The Stand
Fun for the little uns, and the big uns...
So yesterday's Kids Show took the show to a new level again.
The show has changed its format significantly since its first inception, and is now a lot more interactive, and technology based, which the kids seem to love.
Not only did we have the largest audience we've ever had, we also trialled a new thing.
The show itself is ran from my iPad hooked up to a projector. I change the KeyNote slides with my iPhone. The kids still look baffled no matter how many times I tell them how I'm doing it. So, after Marc Smethurst had been on talking about Vikings and asking if "anyone had ever eaten a beaver?" (The parents laughed, the kids looked confused) I decide to use FaceTime to video call CBBC presenter, Iain Stirling.
Obviously the kids recognised him, and they went nuts.
It's technically the reverse of what we do in my Chat Roulette show, but it was great to see the technology working crisp and clear.
We also had a cat who developed a gambling problem, but thats a story for another day.