Welcome to my website
Hello everyone. I'm Tony Jameson, a stand up comedian from the north-east, and this, right here, is my website. Welcome. Feel free to have a look around. No need to take your shoes off either, we're all friends.
So what can you expect to find round here?
Well, I've got a section where I've put all my gigs, should you wish to come and see a show.
I am currently performing or compering at the top weekend clubs, along with various other independent promoters, across the country.
These include The Stand, Off The Kerb, Glee, House of Fun, Last Laugh, Just The Tonic, Highlight, Hilarity Bites, Ten Feet Tall, Comedy Central.
I have been fortunate enough to have supported WWE Hall of Famer, Mick Foley as part of his UK tour. I even did a couple of pre-tour warm up shows for Kevin Bridges, Stewart Francis and Frankie Boyle at The Stand. I was also part of Dave's Comedy in the Dark tour in 2012, and performed at BBC Comedy Presents at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in 2013.
I have performed the following shows at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:
2013 Tony Jameson: Football Manager Ruined My Life @ The Stand
2012 Tony Jameson & Katie Mulgrew: Tell Tales @ The Stand
If you click on the banner adverts at the top of this site (provided you haven't got some kind of ad blocking software running) you'll get more info on other shows I'm doing / working on.
We've made a section for a blog on this site. I've been told I'm supposed to write in it. Whether I find anything to write about may be a different story entirely, but its there, so pop the kettle on and have a read.
Finally, maybe you've got a Football Manager story you want to share. Maybe you've found a beer I might like (real ale please). You might just want to drop me an email to say hello. Or even better, offer me a gig (that would be nice). To do that, simply click the email button at the top.
Thanks for stopping by.
First The Streak, now The Ultimate Warrior dies
I guess my childhood is officially over...
Sunday night saw the spectacle that is Wrestlemania grace our screens (if you paid for it on PPV or found a cheeky streaming website) for the 30th year. That's right, for the past 30 years, men in spandex have been pretend beating each other up infront of viewers the world over.
Wrestlemania 30 was an event that will live long in the memory. Not because Hulk Hogan managed to announce the wrong venue (haway man Hogan, learn you lines). Not because he was joined in the ring by Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Rock (a sight viewers from WWE's Attitude Era have craved for so long). Not because Daniel Bryan finally won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a Triple Threat match, having already beaten HHH to open the show.
It won't be remembered for those events, but for the fact that The Undertakers undefeated streak at Wrestlemania finally came to an end.
For 21 years The Undertaker has 'fought', and won at Wrestlemania. 21-0 his record was. A record that was not matched by any other legend of the ring. As the years rolled by, 'Taker would dip out of weekly shows to repair his body for his once a year show stopper. But as he was now only wrestling once a year (and the fact he's 49) meant that each year he was that little bit closer to retiring.
Personally, I thought last year would've been a perfect moment for him to bow out. 21-0. The Undertaker laying down in the ring. Lights out. Lights up. 'Taker has left the building, never to be seen again. That would've offered him the chance to leave as one of the greatest of all time.
Cut to this year, where he was pitted against former UFC Champion, Brock Lesnar. Now, I find Brock Lesnar one of the most terrifying people on the planet. If I saw him in a dark alley, I know he'd probably kill me. I don't think he knows wrestling isn't real. He's a monster of an athlete. So the WWE decided to pit him against a 49 year for what is clearly his final match.
As a match, it was inevitably slow. Of course it would be. 'Taker can hardly move, and Lesnar could easily botch a move and kill The Dead Man by accident. Fear not, I thought, its 'Taker at Wrestlemania. We all know how this is going to end. 'Taker doesn't lose. And then, the count began. One. Two. Three. Lesnar had won! The Streak was broken. A silence fell throughout the 80,000 strong arena. What the fuck just happened? Did I see that properly? It must've been a botch, surely? Nope. Undertaker was beaten. I was furious! Furious that I was incorrect in believing 'Taker would obviously win, and then more angry at the fact that I was getting angry at scripted sport.
It genuinely took me a couple of days to get over the result. I still couldn't believe it, but then this morning, I heard the news which put it all into context. The passing of The Ultimate Warrior.
As a kid, I preferred Ultimate Warrior over Hulk Hogan. In the same way I prefer CM Punk to John Cena. Warrior was inducted into the Hall of Fame the night before Wrestlemania, and even appeared on Raw on Monday looking pretty good, I thought.
We know wrestlers die young, but this news came as a big shock to me. I couldn't help but feel I lost part of my childhood when I heard the news. I feel like I should now go out and buy some neon laces to wrap around my arms as a mark of respect.
RIP Ultimate Warrior. A true legend of the ring.
They say you should never meet your heroes
But what if your heroes aren't 'real'?...
There's a saying that you should never meet your heroes, as you'll always end up disappointed, but what if your heroes aren't 'real'?
I'm aware that is quite an odd statement to start a blog with, but stick with it.
Basically, the year is 2059. A year that marks my 50th anniversary at Blyth Spartans (yes, that's right, we're talking about a Football Manager world here). So yeah, I'm about to celebrate my Golden Jubilee, having dedicated my entire 'life' to Blyth Spartans. Naturally after 50 years at the club, I've managed a number of players who still hold a place in my heart. Some went on to become club legends. Some turned their backs on me when I needed them most. But each and every one of them played a part in my clubs in history.
But Tony, these guys aren't real! The players who brought you unprecedented success on this game were all regens. Maybe they were. Or maybe, just maybe, these players actually exist (or at the very least, they have namesakes who are alive and well and may fancy reminiscing about our 'achievements'?)
A quick glance of Facebook suggests that this may well be the case (some of them were even mutual friends of mine apparently). However, the notion of messaging some random person I've never met on Facebook and trying to explain this story seems a little weird. So I needed a new method. A safer method. Something that seems less creepy than playing potential weirdo roulette. And I think I've found it...
You get in touch with me!
Listed below are the names of some of my players who have shared in my games greatest moments.
|Ray de Boer||Callum Lomas||Anthony Vaughan||Chris Mortimer|
|Tommy Jolly||Steve Tomkins||Derek Reynolds||Ancil Thomas|
|Matt Baldwin||Dominic Quinn||Johnny Wilson||Dan Martin|
|Andrew Hendry||Ian Pender||Milos Djordjevic||Ian Eastall|
|Emile Rylander||Adrian Stepney||Darrly Kirby||John Douglas|
|Daniel Noone||Conor McDonagh||Hans-Jorg Brandl||Nicola Muratore|
I'm now setting myself a challenge to try and meet as many of these people as possible.
If your name appears on this list (or that of someone you know), please do get in touch via email email@example.com
It doesn't really matter where you are in the country (I'm aware some of these names aren't native to the UK, so maybe I'll need to do a bit of international traveling) I'll try and organise some time to come and meet you so we can have a cup of tea and chat about FM.
I'm aware that this may seem like a really weird post, (and to some this seems a little 'Dave Gorman'), but I believe that the end product justifies the madness. Perhaps it doesn't, but I guess there's no harm in trying eh?
Some people will undoubedtly think this is a ridiculous idea, but I've already been contacted by two people from this list, so maybe, just maybe, I can get this to work
Hope to speak to some of you soon.
The two sides of north east football
A cup runner up and a nutter...
Let me first start by saying, as a person from the north east, my football allegiance isn't red and white, or black and white, so I'm hoping this comes through as unbiased as I'm intending. I'm an Aston Villa fan (a team hated by both Sunderland and Newcastle fans), but as a lot of my friends and family are either Sunderland and Newcastle fans, this weekend saw my Facebook and Twitter feeds were flooded with some statements that I found quite bizarre.
Firstly, I felt that Sunderland played really well in the Capital One Cup Final on Sunday, and if Fletcher had actually attempted to kick the ball when it dropped over his shoulder in the final few mins, the game may have gone to extra time, and then who knows what may have happened. Obviously he may have missed spectacularly, but by at least connecting with the ball on his weaker right foot, he may have drawn a save and possible corner. Alternatively, he could've just booted the ball back sideways and hope for a deflection amongst the melee of players in the 6 yard box. Such small margins are what football matches are won and lost on. Suffice to say, City went down the other end and wrapped the game up 3-1.
Cue the Newcastle fans overjoyed at the fact their local rivals lost against one of the best teams in the land in a cup final, oblivious to the fact that en-route to Wembley the Mackems beat Man Utd, Chelsea and Southampton, whilst Newcastle got eliminated by the eventual winners.
Of course I understand the hatred between these two sets of supporters, and the joy taken in seeing your fierce rivals lose on such a big stage, but for me, the actions of Newcastle manager Alan Pardew 24 hours previously should really have been used as a moment for the Toon Army to keep their heads down (ironically, something Pardew should've done).
Yes, your rival lost a cup final, but YOUR manager head butted a player! Let us not forget, this isn't the first time Pardew has lost the plot. He's pushed a linesman, squared up to Wenger, called Pellegrini a cunt. This is a man who clearly has some underlining anger management issues. It should also be worth mentioning that one of Newcastles reserve team managers recently got sacked for punching one of his own players.
I got a tweet from a Newcastle fan saying that Pardews actions showed a lack of class, and something you would never have seen from the likes of Sir Bobby Robson. I completely agree. How can a manager head butt a player and still command respect from his own team, and the wider football community? Mike Ashley stupidly gave Pardew an 8 year contract, and if he was ever considering making a change, now would seem to be the time to do it. Sacking Pardew based on his results wouldn't make sense, plus it would cost him a fortune in compensation. However, head butting a player must surely be seen as gross misconduct, and as such, could save Ashley a fortune in compensation payments by firing him now.
The irony of the whole Pardew incident, is that his stupidity made a lot of people forget that Newcastle actually won the match 4-1.
So, whilst I do believe that fans should celebrate their own success, and the failings of their rivals, I just feel that maybe the moral high ground should still be reserved for those with morals, and as Pardews Zidane impression has left the football world reeling, perhaps some fans should remember the age old adage of 'those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (or head butt them)'.
Here's one for ya
My run ins with two racists this week...
Everyone knows about the premise of a comedian saying to someone, "I'm a comedian", only to have whoever they spoke to either reply with, "OK, tell us a joke then", or even worse, "here's one for ya". Well this week, I had the unfortunate incident of both of these things happen to me, and I wasn't particularly enamored with what I heard.
I've recently moved from the north east to York, which on the face of it, sounds like a lovely move. However, as I've moved into a new place, there needs to be the odd bit of work done in order to bring it up to scratch. I needed some painting done, and a couple of new sofas delivered.
I chatted with the painter, and the bloke who delivered the sofas, (on two separate occasions) and during each conversation the fact I'm a comedian crept up. They were shocked to hear that I write all my own stuff, rather than 'just knicking it off of the internet'. Once they understood that my 'style' of comedy is anecdotal, they then both asked the question, "do you do any stuff about immigrants?" NO! Of course I don't. What on earth made you think I did? Oh, the fact that you're wearing an England top covered in paint.
This alarmed me to be honest. Not only do we have to contend with UKIP placing second in the Manchester bi-election, a political party who think gays cause floods, but seemingly, there's still people in the world who would love to hear a few racist gags that they can text to their friends the next day.
I know this next sentence will make me sound like my Dad... I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm still quite disappointed that these sort of people still exist. Its 2014 you knackers. Look at the fact that multiculturalism has helped shape the country you live in. I know as a comedian that you can't please all the people all the time, but if I manage to forge a career without having to write racist jokes, and these people never come to see me, then I guess that would make me quite happy.
A trip to the hospital
But not as serious as it sounds...
Today I had to take a trip to the hospital. For the past week I've been suffering with something that has reminded me that I'm not as young as I used to be.
For a man in his mid 30s, the potential realisation that I may have developed a hernia was not something that fills your days with joy.
After a brief chat with my mum (who is a nurse) she claimed it 'may be a hernia, but it may be a grumbling appendix'. Now, as you're all aware, the only way to test your appendix is by, how do I put this delicately, by getting finger bummed by a medical professional.
With that in mind, I prepared myself for a trip to the hospital. Nice shirt, best pants (if I'm getting explored, I at least want to make sure I look my best).
I finally arrive at the walk in centre, or as they refer to it, minor injuries clinic at York Hospital. Now I know I'm not the only person who glances around the waiting room trying to decide whats wrong with everyone else and whether they are a more urgent case than myself. Obviosuly if they're bleeding you presume you're gonna be after them.
I get comfortabe, pick up a magazine. York is quite posh, so my choices were a copy of Now, a copy of Caravan Club from November 2012, or Practical Pilot. I'm not reading those. I'll grab a coffee. I say coffee. A cup of brown wet. This is what cuts to the NHS have done, people.
Long story short. I get seen. I don't get finger bummed. I don't even get diagnosed. They refer me back to the GP. An hour and a half in a hospital to be told they don't know whats wrong with me. I should feel anger. I should feel pain. I should demand to be probed cos I've 'got myself in the zone'. I don't. I react in a typically British way by doing exactly what I'm told and make my way to the GPs surgery.
Naturally I'm not gonna get seen there and then. I've got to wait til Friday (unless it gets worse, apparently) cos I hadn't even registered with that particular surgery. So I started to fill in their registration form, before almost falling foul of the 'acohol intake' survey. No-one tells the truth on that, do they? Surely not. However, I think I've now worked out the exact mathematical equation for how many units of alcohol everyone has on a weekly basis.
Think of a big number. Multiply it by 7. Take a sharp intake of breath. Then just put 6 units a week.
Kids Comedy Club @ The Stand
Fun for the little uns, and the big uns...
So yesterday's Kids Show took the show to a new level again.
The show has changed its format significantly since its first inception, and is now a lot more interactive, and technology based, which the kids seem to love.
Not only did we have the largest audience we've ever had, we also trialled a new thing.
The show itself is ran from my iPad hooked up to a projector. I change the KeyNote slides with my iPhone. The kids still look baffled no matter how many times I tell them how I'm doing it. So, after Marc Smethurst had been on talking about Vikings and asking if "anyone had ever eaten a beaver?" (The parents laughed, the kids looked confused) I decide to use FaceTime to video call CBBC presenter, Iain Stirling.
Obviously the kids recognised him, and they went nuts.
It's technically the reverse of what we do in my Chat Roulette show, but it was great to see the technology working crisp and clear.
We also had a cat who developed a gambling problem, but thats a story for another day.